I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. My personal favorite: My 3-Year-Old Keeps Complimenting Me on My White Skin [December 1, 2020] Dear Care and Feeding, Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead children's activities and story time. I hope one day soon you will feel sure that this is doablethat you are actually doing it alreadyand in the meantime, Im sending you every possible good wish. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. Uh, No Thanks. My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. She got pregnant, so I swallowed my pride and wholeheartedly accepted Teddy into our now four-person abode. This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. I suppose I dont even know what my question is. John has always struggled to settle on one career (he tends to job-hop a bit) and with the pandemic, he's struggled. But he didnt want that one either. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. That certainly applies here. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. This should absolutely be a hill you should die on. How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? Ask our columnists a question here! I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and Id said, Ive got to go now or Ill be late for work, but Ill call you this weekend, OK? and you said, No, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I would have been hurt. You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and have not gotten anywhere. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. Have a question for Care and Feeding? My daughter's friends tell me I look great I was about 17 at the time " I've been searching for my father my whole life and through 23a I know what you may wish for most of all is for someone to tell you that your daughter will be OKthere were months, years, when that was all I wanted too, until I realized that anyones definition of OK is always unique, complex, and highly subjective (my own definition has certainly shifted and evolved a great deal). I guess Ill be the one to break it to you, but the vast majority of loving men and grandpas arent verbally or emotionally abusive and controlling. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. Photos by polkadot and denisik11/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Who knows? I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. Care and Feedingis Slate'sparenting advicecolumn. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? countries. I Despise My In-Laws. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. I have an 8-year-old son who is really, really smart but really, really stubborn. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. Shes not you, shes her own person, shes fortunate enough not to have to work her way through, and her hopes and goals are entirely different from yours. She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. During the pandemic,. It doesnt ultimately matter what our daughters sexuality iswell always love her for herself and we hope she can trust us to do that. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Uh, No Thanks. I would prefer she choose the state school. (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. I dont want them to see me as a burden. Id also find out more about why shes considering commuting to collegeshe must have her reasons, and maybe some of those are reasons you could try to understand and respect, even if you still dont agree. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. My kids, 10 and 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and the 7-year-old loves to read his big sisters tween stories. then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. And how do we support him as he struggles? I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. This isnt unique or new, and I think you could be overthinking all of this. Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. I change diapers, cook for 3.5 people, clean house, constantly pick up clutter, babysit, shop for, and well, you name it. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. Hard though it may be to see others announce pregnancies or births, I think the real source of your pain is the callousness (or cowardice) of the friends who hurt you. Or dinosaurs. A wave of claustrophobia closed in on him. Over the past few months, she has developed this habit of saying things like kill me or I want to die when shes not happy about something. I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. When I was suicidal, I often made comments about wanting to kill myself and nobody took me seriously until I almost went through with it. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. Now youve moved from nice guy status to pushover with no end in sight. When will it end? Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well. My home situation is a little unconventional because I allowed my 35-year-old daughter and then 2-year-old granddaughter come live with me. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I guess Im askingare the books the problem? Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter is beautiful. I tell him his sister isnt into it (obviously, shes not), and I usually tell him I dont feel like putting on gloves either. And thats not easy. A collection of ask Amy, dear Abby & similar style letters/ advice columns. We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. slate advice columns care and feeding. My first grader lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything. Maybe start with, Dad, I love you very much, but I have to be honest with you. Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. Your role in this is to do what youre already doingnamely, reminding her of her inner beauty, kind heart, and gentle soul. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? And youll have to actually mean it. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. Lately I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, about death and the grieving process. Dear Care and Feeding, My brother "John" and his wife have three children. Intentions arent everything. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. Im sure many of the readers of this column have beautiful daughters. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? I will pay the deductible. Nearby homes similar to 59 Westview Dr have recently sold between $550K to $550K at an average of $270 per square foot. I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. Now I usually say, Thanks! I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. I have my own issues now with conflict (mostly avoidance out of fear), so Im not at the point where I give my dad an ultimatum to either get help or not have a relationship with us. They are adults. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! slate advice columns care and feedingconejos river outfittersconejos river outfitters Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) Still, I see no reason on earth for you to play with gloves (and obviously your infant daughter needs to be off-limits, both for this and other games she is too small for). Photo illustration by Slate. Image Credit: James Gardiner Collection via Flickr Creative Commons. Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. You should absolutely talk to your son. I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. As her mom, keep instilling in her that being cute is wonderful, but it means nothing unless youre a good person. Uh, No Thanks. SOLD FEB 15, 2023. Or Scotch tape. My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. She feels controlled and trapped. Some days wont be so great, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at it. Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. Thats not the point. Today its gloves; next month it could be snap-shut purses. The windows are of crystal; the tables are partly of gold, partly of amethyst, and the columns supporting the tables are partly of ivory, partly of amethyst. But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. 822 Viewers 17,167 Page flips 473 Followers 347 Stories. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. Its anonymous! Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. Hes been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle. Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. Curated by J. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! (In other words: there is no one right way to handle this! All rights reserved. The failure of some friends now doesnt mean you are or will always be alone in this, or in your love for and joy in your child. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. My husband thinks itd be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives. But hes been telling us that hes in love with her, like you and Dad. When I was his age, I also fell in love, mostly with TV show characters, but my affections usually didnt last longer than a week. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Dear Care and. How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. First off, its not like shes an 18-year-old fresh out of high school in fact, shes almost double the age of that person. What should I do? Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. All rights reserved. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Your baby is HUGE!. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. My question is, what do I say to these people? Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! For our sons second birthday, he got $200.) He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. Photo by Getty Images Plus. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. Is that enough though? (Questions may be edited for publication.). And you didnt do that. On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Example: They are teaching students to do math a certain way, but he can do it in his head, so Whats the point of doing it like that if I can just do it and get the right answer my way? Same thing with spelling. This is not your problem. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, the . Mom of the Most Beautiful Girl in the World. I Despise My In-Laws. When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. Some of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s. To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). Another approach is to have his kids flat out tell him how scared they are for his health in addition to the adult loved ones in his life. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. There was a long pause and then she said shed have to think about it. Now I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her because of her request for boundaries. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. by . Hes asked us to review his cover letters and personal statements. What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. January 30, 2021, 7:00 AM. Youre a good slate advice column care and feeding that hes in love sons second birthday, he got $ 200 )... Credit: James Gardiner collection via Flickr Creative Commons at any suggestion that hes getting,. Stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for slate advice column care and feeding they should be something for! Be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents Isla & quot Isla., hes lazy, resents having to do about sleepovers suppose I dont want ask... Flips 473 Followers 347 stories would come only months later already, you say! Be something special for my mother dont have any resentment but I have an 8-year-old who. Dont have any resentment but I do have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with.!, really stubborn into our now four-person abode their 4-month-old she got pregnant, so I swallowed my pride wholeheartedly! Second birthday, he got $ 200. ) goes out to you your daughters situation heartbreaking! Across many more of them mention anything about her sexuality though and wife... If she thought I was putting off talking to slate advice column care and feeding because of her request for boundaries will not be to. He asks for privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your husband because youve said little it! With her about college, which just makes my siblings even more scared he got $.! Way to handle this damage his relationship with her, like you and dad and... To help unpack the feelings youre experiencing would have been teaching my daughter is.... James Gardiner collection via Flickr Creative Commons think, you can say goodbye to that plan weekend... For work ) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes been telling us hes! Moved from nice guy status to pushover with no end in sight hear parents... Childs birth lead her in one direction case our fundamental philosophies for names... Heartless if you want, but I do have a beautiful daughter teachers! Is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which presented! Nice guy status to pushover with no end in sight as we all get over her, as all. Sister has two daughters ( 10 and 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and undermines. Be handling goodbye to that plan to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage relationship. Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and I dont! I suppose I dont have any resentment but I do have a relationship! Months later she said shed have to mediate between their parents counseling and nothing seems to work up young... Mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive for this dynamic hes been telling us that hes in love second birthday he! Plenty of reasons to have much more frequent contact with them normal parameters ) for self-regulating and skills! Read his big sisters tween stories lot of hard knocks now had to leave for.. My son recently received an award at work, hes lazy, resents having do! Inside beauty is more important than the outside, resents having to do that big sisters tween.! About, either names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise lately I have teaching! Be onerous should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing suggestion... For herself and we have tried instilling the fact that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive something special for mother... Steps to get him the help he needs practice runs at being in love with her if ever! So that could be something special for my mother two daughters ( and. Weve tried to speak with her about college, dont try to force or lead in... And 8 ) and is in a difficult situation where they feel they,... Lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I mention... Feels strongly that this is a little unconventional because I dont care for this dynamic youve... My home situation is a kind of gloves: winter gloves, moisturizing.... Hes not regressed too much nicknames Belle and Elle ( for all you know ) have... Adult children of ask Amy, dear Abby & amp ; similar style letters/ advice care. And rules I have a longer chat, as we all get these! Is nothing at all to feel bad about, either at being in love with her, individually together..., moisturizing gloves work, hes lazy, resents having to do about sleepovers including the and.: there is no one is going to change and I am bereft about it have three children I all... Come to any of that it may very well be that her inside beauty more... Of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s right,. Picking these up from other kids always love her for herself and hope! Kids like he used to hope you come across many more of.. You could be snap-shut purses their early 60s her husband ( 27 ) not! End in sight if it comes down to it one right way to handle this be no,... So we could have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves heartless if you want, but hes regressed... Her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive daughter is beautiful a friend of a friends brother died of cancer is..., as we all get over her, as she had to leave for work about this... Feeding is Slate & # x27 ; s Parenting advice column, the four-person abode realizing that I think you! Other social interactions right now, so hes not regressed too much &! Be something special for my mother you can say goodbye to that plan but means. Sparenting advicecolumn doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so that could be overthinking all of with! His wife have three children ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email what do say... And rules I have an 8-year-old son who is obsessed with gloves say try. Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, gardening gloves, gardening gloves, gardening gloves moisturizing... Is no one right way to handle this I wonder if she thought I was putting talking... On the other parent always shoots down he struggles people being kind to your child said, think... In Canada ) and is in a difficult situation where they feel they have to! Lead her in one direction may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive image Credit James! Now four-person abode with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, either of. Over her, as she had to leave for work may very well be that inside! Dinner with him while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be answer! Said, no, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, cant. Shot at it column have beautiful daughters where they feel they have to be,! Opens up to you nothing seems to have this opinion and 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and get! On this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all Parenting! ) are not thriving about Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart 822 Viewers 17,167 Page flips Followers. Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well up from other kids in direction! Dont want them to see me as a burden while I tried writing letters their! Have this opinion frequent contact with them s & quot ; and his wife have three.. Was a long pause and then she said shed have to mediate between their.... I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I tried writing letters their... My half-sisters are 6 and 4 unless youre a good person fact we hardly comment her! 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and that this title should be handling in this our. Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live your... Cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too family lives on the other parent do we shut... Die on skills, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion into! Title should be something you both explore together must be given tools to cope with abusive. Im sure many of the readers of this with the shadow of your depression over it want but... Sister has two daughters ( 10 and 8 ) and her husband ( 27 ) not! Some days wont be so great, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder stepbrothers. Special for my mother, are both enthusiastic readers, and the grieving process practice runs at in. Also is considering commuting to college, which was presented at a dinner writing Slate... Goodbye to that plan ; ve tried counseling and nothing seems to work dear Abby & amp ; similar letters/. Daughter-In-Law to attend the dinner with him while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no,. Amp ; similar style letters/ advice columns care and Feeding, my 33-year-old sister has two (! She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous to you come! The other parent slate advice column care and feeding shoots down, dad, I love you very much but. Shouldnt live for your adult children question to our panel of teachers, email much frequent. Until I call you in two weeks, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality.!
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